The Last Shall Be First… Almost.
Week 4 – BACK TO BUNCHES
8 Unaccompanied Minors
7 Neer Neer
6 Our Sports Team
5 Seoul Crushers
4 Start your Starters
3 Open Carriers
2 Team Schierer
1 Geatland Grendals
26 Open Carriers
24 Unaccompanied Minors
21 Start your Starters
20 Seoul Crushers
18 Team Schierer
14 Geatland Grendals
12 Our Sports Team
10 Neer Neer Neeeer
It is amazing how quickly fortunes can turn in today’s NFL. After 4 weeks of competition there are only 2 undefeated teams left , and neither our beloved Bengals nor the Arizona Cardinals were required to defend that mark this week because they were on bye. The Super Bowl teams of 2014, Denver and Seattle have both been dinged already. Meanwhile last years surprise playoff team, the San Diego Chargers, are 3-1 and led by possible early MVP candidate Phillip Rivers who has tossed 9 touchdowns on the young season to only one pick. All of that despite a running back corps that is hurt/untalented. A Dallas team that looked lost in week one is now tied atop the NFC East at 3-1 with an Eagles team that looked completely lost at times against the 49’ers. And the Chiefs absolutely dismantled the Patriots on Monday Night Football, sending out alarms that the end of an era may be nigh.
In the UFtPFFL this week the cellar dwellers attempted to storm the gates of heaven whilst many of the leading lights of the league leaders were taking the week off. Let’s see how they did!
Unaccompanied Minors (149 pts) just edged out the insurgent Neer Neer Neeeeeeer (148 pts) for the top spot this week valuable points from a returning Jamaal Charles with 3 td’s (31 pts) and fantasy MVP Jordy Nelson (32 pts) who caught a whopping 10 passes for 108 yards and 2 scores against the porous Bears secondary. NNN led for most of the weekend though behind a nasty revenge game from Raven Steve Smith (32 pts) against his old teammates the Carolina Panthers. With solid contributions from Drew Brees (20 pts) and Lamar Miller (20 pts) and only the dinged up Calvin Johnson (3 pts) dissapointing the NNN’s season looks much less hopeless than it did a week ago. Our Sports Team (132 pts) also started to right the ship this week following what I like to call the “Chase Jacksonville” strategy. Philip Rivers (27 pts), Keenan Allen (23 pts), kicker Nick Novak (15 pts) and the Chargers D/ST (12 pts) took advantage of the Jaguars ineptitude to help OST begin to crawl out of the hole they dug in the first three weeks.
The Seoul Crushers (115 pts) take the 4 spot this week with surprising points from Trent “a 1st rd pick for this?” Richardson (19 pts) scoring once and hauling in 4 passes whilst Jimmie Graham (22 pts) did his usual damage with an 8 for 86 and a TD afternoon. Abby did miss her Seahawks this week. Start Your Starters had a bounce back performance from QB Aaron Rodgers (28 pts) and a big day on the ground from Matt Forte (21 pts). But Vernon Davis (2 pts) and Pierre Garcon (4 pts) left a hole in the lineup and kept them from catching the SC’s.
The Open Carriers (108 pts) had their first sub par week of the season. Despite starting the best running back in football so far in Demarco Murray (27 pts), the OC’s were done in by lackluster receiving and a big goose egg from the Atlanta D/ST, who did absolutely nothing against Minnesota rookie Teddy Bridegwater in his very first NFL start. For the second week in a row bookkeeping snafu’s held back Team Scheirer (105 pts) yet they were still only a touchdown and a field goal from 4th place. Andrew Luck (31 pts), who threw for 393 yards and 4 td’s in the Colts obliteration of the Tennessee Titans, and Antonio Brown (32 pts, a popular total this week) did the heavy lifting. Think about what this team might have done with a second RB and a TE? The Geatland Grendals (98 pts) were the only team to miss the century mark. Heavily invested in the idle Cincinnati Bengals, the GG’s relied on the likes of Geno Smith (12 pts) at quarterback, and Bobby Rainey (2 pts) at RB. It wasn’t all bad news as Randall Cobb (30 pts) had his first big game of the year. Unfortunately he only gets to play against the Bears “Cover Nobody” defense one more time this year.
I forgot to give out awards last week.
Player of the Week: All those dudes with 32 points! That’s Numberwang!
Coaching Genius Move of the Week: I’m giving this one to OST, for pulling all the right levers for once this season.
Marty Schottenheimer Memorial Bonehead Move of the Week: For not zealously defending his $20, AJ and Team Scheirer take home the No Prize. Check your lineups before kickoff folks!!!
That’s all for today. Back with a quick preview on Thursday.
Featured Image Credit: BS-Comics at Deviant Art
Week 4 starts tonight with an 8:25 kickoff between the New York Football Giants, coming off their first victory of the season, and the Washington Pigheaded Caucasians, already on their second quarterback. The entire NFC East is a joke right now, with a banged up Eagles team an unlikely 3-0 and the Cowboys defense giving up touchdowns to rival cheer-leading squads. The entire enterprise will likely be a race to see which team gets to be upset at home by a pissed off NFC West Wild Card team. On paper the Potatoes are the better team, having actually outscored their competition so far this season, but one has to wonder how long Kirk Cousins can continue to exceed expectations.
In other games of interest. Teams featuring Packers players other than Jordy Nelson have had a frustrating first few weeks. A visit to Soldier Field to face a Bears defense that has escorted opponents to 377 yards per game may be the tonic that Eddie Lacy and Aaron Rodgers owners have been waiting for. On the other side of the ball, the Bears wideout situation is still hazy. Alshon Jeffery is healthy, but Brandon Marshall was still wobbly last we checked. The Jaguars take their “aren’t we awful” act to San Diego, making every Charger offensive player a valid play. And I’ll be really interested in seeing Teddy Bridgewater’s first start for the Vikings against Atlanta. As we saw when the Falcons visited the Jungle, the Atlanta pass rush is almost non-existent and their secondary is ordinary at best. Pretty good conditions for the debut of a player who I think was underrated by teams because of a poor Pro-day before the draft.
Bye weeks begin with a whopping 6 teams taking the week off; Cardinals, Bengals, Browns, Broncos, Rams, and the Seahawks. Discount Doublecheck your starting lineups and adjust accordingly.
Good Luck and Have Fun!
Week 3 – A LEADER EMERGES
Well that was a strange but exciting week of real and imaginary football. The Bengals moved to 3-0 with a decisive trouncing of the Tennessee Titans. After three games the Bengals boast the stingiest pass defense in the league, have outscored opponents 88-33. The Denver versus Seattle rematch gave us the game we wanted, with a last minute drive by Manning to send the game into free football, followed by a bruising march down the field in OT to win it for the Seahawks.
In the UFtPFFL a leader has separated from the pack with the Open Carriers (150 pts) securing the high score fro the season, lead by WR Jeremy Maclin (29 pts) and three others over 20, the OC’s ran away with the week despite the presence of a hobbled Brandon Marshall (1 pt) in the lineup. Second place goes to another team struck by injury, with RB Arian Foster a late scratch and with the coach unable to make lineup changes before kickoff it looked grim for Team Schierer (121 pts). But an astonishing 3 players managed to score over 30 pts, Andrew Luck (31 pts), Antonio Brown (31 pts) and Player of the Week Contender “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard” Jones with a whopping (37 pts) from his 9 catch, 161 yard, and 2 touchdown game.
The Seoul Crushers (99 pts) just edged out Start Your Starters (98 pts) for third place. Coach Abby got the usual beastly running from Marshawn Lynch ( 27 pts, next year somebody else draft this guy?) but not much from Antonio Gates (1 pt) and she left Victor Cruz’s big day (21 ots) on the bench. SYS had similar issues. Dez Bryant (20 pts) led the starters, but Pierre Garcon (30 pts) and Reggie Bush (21 pts) languished on the pine. The Geatland Grendels (87) had a disappointing week, with no starter passing the 20 pt mark, although he did get lucky with a surprising day from Tampa RB Bobby Rainey (17 pts).
Unaccompanied Minors (85 pts) also had trouble pushing the right buttons. Despite a nifty game from “Nat Gio” Bernard (17 pts), they had Russell Wilson (24 pts) and Desean Jackson (22 pts) on the bench, a 35 point swing fro the starters.
Our Sports Team (78 pts) and Neer Neer Neeeeer (69 pts) would like to wake up from the nightmare that has been the 2014 Fantasy Football season.
Week 4 starts on Thursday and I’ll be back then with a quick preview of the week ahead. Bye weeks start up this week, and that’s where the real challenges begin!
23 Open Carriers (The Frontrunner)
17 Start your Starters (the bunch of teams in the middle)
16 Team Schierer
16 Unaccompanied Minors
15 Seoul Crushers
13 Geatland Grendals
6 Our Sports Team (The Forsaken)
3 Neer Neer
Not meaning to be morbid, but this should definitely be played at my funeral.
Please Don’t Bury Me, John Prine
Ps I’ll clean this up tomorrow ;)
Week three is already here, with Thursday Night Football pitting the pissed off Falcons against a Buccaneers team that looks like they gave a journeyman QB the starting job based on the best short stretch of football he is likely to ever have. Because they did, and payed good money for the privilege.
Our Bengals host the Tennessee Titans , hoping to move to 3-0 with arguably their best player, AJ Green still questionable with a toe injury. New OC Hue Jackson has shown some welcome creativity to compensate, finding a lot of interesting ways to get the ball in the hands of super speedster Gio Bernard. More focus on the running game will make Unaccompanied Minors happy, especially with Jamaal Charles out for multiple games with an ankle sprain.
Other interesting match ups on the schedule for this weekend. The struggling 49’ers will face a stiff defense against Arizona. However Carson Palmer will once again sit leaving Drew Stanton under center. This game could get ugly, but if the Cardinals pull off the win at home they will be will 3-0 and in 1st place. Which is nice.
The big afternoon game features the once again unstoppable Broncos vs the suddenly mortal World Champion Seahawks in a Super Bowl rematch. Oddly enough, the Chargers pulled off their upset of Seattle last week using ball control tactics that Denver will have trouble replicating. The normal advice to sit players against the Hawks D is void of course, never bench a Bronco. But you might have to get more points from other roster spots than usual.
Adrian Peterson has been essentially removed from the Vikings roster until the Commissioners Office is satisfied with the resolution of his legal issues. This is bad news for the team with his replacements looking hardly Jesus-y. This is probably the end of his career in Minnesota.
As always, check your lineups and the injury reports before kickoff. And good luck.
When a lot of people think of ADHD, I’m willing to bet that they picture this little guy.
That’s Dug the Dog from the excellent Pixar film UP and here’s Jon Stewart on the Daily Show using the joke in this clip from 2011.
Now I’ll admit, I use that joke all the time myself. That part doesn’t bother me all that much. But it does bother me that that joke might be the full extent of your understanding of the condition. It doesn’t always make for a snappy punchline or a whimsical part in an madcap adventure. It sucks. Which is why we take medicine that makes us nauseous (in my case), or dizzy or irritable to treat it and visit the shrink to talk about it and thank Zod every day that we do those things because without them we would be WORSE. So with the caveats that everybody’s syndrome is unique to them, here’s what ADHD is like for me, with medication (dial this all up to 11 without it).
- Before I started treatment I would constantly leave all of the drawers and cabinets in my kitchen wide open when I was cooking. I would seriously not even notice the situation until someone pointed it out. Or I walked into one of them. Now I only have a Three Stooges Moment like that maybe once a month.
- If I needed a pen or pencil for school or work I guarantee you I would lose it. I mean I swear I would have it in my hand one minute and it would be GONE the next. Now I’m sure that happens to most people every once in awhile and it’s frustrating. I feel like that all the fucking time.
- I’ll lose track of important conversations while I am having them, face to face, with my wife, who Dark Lord bless her has the patience of a saint. Imagine that scene from UP, except its the love of your life you are talking to and they are visibly exasperated with you and there is really nothing you can do about it.
- Did I take my medication this morning? Or did I just turn off the medication reminder app on my phone and then immediately go off to do something else.
- Can you sit still and concentrate on important work? In the 45 minutes I have been working on this piece I have had to get up and move six times. Sometimes it happens so suddenly that I’m out of my chair and in the next room pacing without even noticing.
- Do you ever walk into a room and wonder “Why am I in here?”. If you are my age I’m sure that happens a little more frequently as we all slip into “middle” age. I’ve been having that happen fairly regularly for my entire life.
Much of mental illness is an exaggeration of otherwise normal behaviors to the point where they interfere with your life. Everybody gets absent minded from time to time. Everybody gets jumpy from time to time. We all get distracted by bright shiny objects. And sometimes those exaggerations work in our favor. Noticing novel arrangements of light, form and subject are essential to my style of photography. Noticing novel arrangements of words and concepts is useful for a writer of semi-humorous material. Even the hyperactivity can be put to good use if you can focus that energy on a task, or find a activity that sets it free. But its not a superpower. Never pretend we’re Daredevil. Having this problem sucks. It can lead to depression and exacerbate anxiety (more on that some other time). So there’s nothing wrong with a joke, just remember where the joke ends and real life struggles begin.
Week 2 – EARLY STATISTICAL BUNCHING
Hey there fans, the main computer at the Blotzcave is acting all broken so we are delivering this update via the back up Blotzpad, which is a little squirrelly in it’s own right so we’ll be brief. Unaccompanied Minors took the top spot this week with a solid 137 points, followed by Open Carriers at 133, Seoul Crushers at 132 and Team Scherier at 130. That is some close fantasy football! Basically one score separating UM from TS.
The second division begins with Start your starters at 104, the Geatland Grendels at 103, Our Sports Team at 98 and NNN at 85. Also pretty tightly bunched but clearly separated from the front runners at the moment.
The real football week was pretty crazy. Our Bengals continued their dominance in The Jungle by dispatching the Falcons handily. The Chargers pulled the biggest upset of the season by beating a Seahawks team that looked invincible in week one, whilst the Bears pulled off a similar feat with a comeback against the 49’ers.
It was also an ugly week for the NFL as an entity. Coming off the poorly handled Ray Rice domestic violence situation, we now transition into the poorly handled Adrian Peterson situation. Purple Jesus was deactivated last week and has now been placed on an obscure roster shenanigans list while the legal situation surrounding his indictment for child endangerment moves through the courts. Team Scherier weathered the loss of AP this week, the Vikings on the other hand are royally fucked. I hope to be able to write more about that mess by the end of the week over at Grounded Parents.
Player of the week: Jordy Nelson caught 9 passes for 209 yards and a touchdown. He is on pace to catch 140 passes this year!
Move of the week: Mark Ingram came of the bench to grab 19 points for the Grendels this week.
Dave Shula Memorial Dumbass Bad Fantasy coach of the week. That would be me. NNN might have come in last, but Karl still gets a beginners pass in his second season playing. OST hasnt fired on any of it’s cylinders yet and I have no excuses at all.
I’ll paste the weekly running scores at the end of each post.
Preview post coming tomorrow.