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Up From the Pit Fantasy Football 2014 Preview

September 4, 2014

Welcome! This is the third time I’ve started this fucking preview because the WordPress editor keeps acting up. And no I don’t want to write it in Word and then transfer it. I hate Word. Anyways… ON TO THE FOOTBALL!!!!

Since we are hosting the UFtPFFL here at Raising Hellions this year, I thought I should take some time to explain to both of my readers what makes our league a little more fun for us than others have been in the past. Firstly it is for low stakes. It’s a 20 dollar buy in and all of that money is split between the champion and runner up. I know some people spend hundreds of dollars a year on this game. I personally think that’s crazy. Twenty bucks is just enough to smile about if you win, but not a terrible loss if you (as is most likely) lose. Secondly, even though we use ESPN’s free Fantasy Football service to keep track of things for us, we don’t play the game as weekly head to head matchups. Instead each team is awarded points based on their performance each week, from 8 points for the highest total each week on down to 1 point for the lowest. I have to credit co-commissioner Chris Dunn for the scheme, which is designed to avoid one of the most frustrating experiences in Fantasy Football, the week where it seems like everything clicks, you pull out your highest score of the year and you get bubkus because the team you are paired off with did just a little better. I think it really smooths a lot of the randomness out of the season and does a better job of rewarding good lineup decisions.  We play a 14 game season with the top two teams at the end of the year squaring off in a Superbowl. Last year we played a Toilet Bowl of sorts with a 5 dollar buy in for all the losers to play for over the kind of random last two weeks of the regular season.

Without further ado, here are the teams for 2014, in Draft Order.

Open Carriers: Coach Chris Dunn.

Named after those brave Americans ready to protect our freedom to shop at Target whilst heavily armed, the OC’s led off the draft by picking last years NFL and UFtPFFL Most Valuable Player (and possible Son of Man) Peyton Manning. His Majesty will be supported by some great receivers in Brandon Marshall and Jeremy Maclin. A lot of this teams fortunes may ride on the balky knees of Rob Gronkowski.

Neer Neer Neeeeeeer: Coach Karl Hiller

Named after a sound effect I believe? Coach Hiller is in his second year of Fantasy Football and gamely fights on despite knowing less about the NFL than my 9 year old. Hoping to improve on last years last place finish, NNN picked up a fairly pass heavy roster, starting with Drew Breesat QB and the dangerous Calvin Johnson at WR. He’ll be very pleased if Bronco’s RB Montee Ball responds well to getting the starting nod in Denver’s high powered offense.

Our Sports Team: Coach Lou Doench

“We’re Great! You Suck!” sings Weird Al Yankovic in this teams fight song. I went with an old school Fantasy approach, snagging Shady McCoy and Eddie Lacy as my starting RB’s in the first two rounds, adding possibly the best receiver in the draft in Demaryious Thomas, and gambling in the later rounds on TE’s Zach Ertz and LaDarious Green.

Team Sheirer:  Coach AJ Sheirer

AJ joined the league for fun and to help us get to an even number, but he’s never been able to make the draft so we drafted him by committee again. AJ “Purple Jesus” Peterson was his reward for picking fifth, and he has a nice passer in Andrew Luck coming back in round 2. With AP and Arian Foster at RB he has a Superbowl Backfield from 2012, but may be getting a little long in the teeth at this point.

Seoul Crushers:  Coach Abby Stevenson Doench

Korean import Abby honors her forebears this year and hopes to make her ancestors proud behind Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch, super TE Jimmy Graham and the omnipresent Victor Cruz, who has been on all three of Abby’s rosters. She’s a former champion and she’s looking for revenge for last years Super Bowl loss, so watch out.

Unaccompanied Minors: Coach Tony Doench

Abby’s loyal husband, Tony Went for blazing speed as his teams hallmark, with Jamaal Charles, Giovanni Bernard and CJ Spiller giving him a squad of running backs who can score from anywhere on the field. His receiving corps will depend a lot on players with new addresses this year, Eric Decker leaving the high flying Broncos for the more stationary Jets and DeSean Jackson (also a speedster) leaving the high octane Eagles for the three ring circus of the Washington Controversies. Will his gambles pay off?

Captain Chaos: Coach Frank Mcelwain

Hoping to channel the spirit of the late Dom Deluise, Frank Did a fine job this year drafting from the 7 spot. Matt Forte, Aaron Rodgers and Dez Bryant form the potential core of a championship team. A lot will be expected from an aging Andre Johnson and Reggie Bush to step up and support the stars.

The Geatland Grendels: Coach James Geers

Last years champions defend their title sans Manning this year. They focused on acquiring Bengals, showing an optimism for the hometown team usually reserved for members of Mike Brown’s immediate family. But AJ Green, Andy Dalton, and the Bengals Defense can score points. He’s just going to have an interesting bye week to navigate.

Week One Preview

The season kicks off with great game tonight, pitting the defending champion Seattle Seahawks and the ferocious defense that embarrassed the Bronco’s in February against the Green Bay Packers and the returning Aaron Rodgers. Tonight’s game might be an indicator of the rest of the season. Do you start your star players against the ‘Hawks? Or go fishing for a better match up with lesser players. The Bengals begin their defense of their AFC North Crown on the road against division rival Baltimore Ravens. Will Marvin Lewis finally win a playoff game? The quest begins Sunday.

In other interesting games, The Jets and the Raiders will vie for the title of  “Most Directionless Organization”, the 49’ers will be the first beneficiaries of facing the Cowboys and what may very well be the worst defense in the NFL in quite some time. And the Colts and Bronco’s will hook up once again for another silly “Peyton Manning’s Revenge” game.

Remember folks, players lock in at kickoff of their game. Get your lineups in, doublecheck the injury reports, sacrifice a fatted calf, do what you feel you need to do to be ready. Then lets go have a fun Fantasy Football season.

Good Luck Everybody!

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