Louis Frederick Doench. Born December 11th 1968 the first child of Douglas and Janice Doench of Cincinnati, Ohio. Douglas and Janice proceeded to have 7 more children, thus proving that they were indeed Catholic. The Boy is no longer Catholic, having completed a 1 step recovery program: Stop Going.
Louis graduated from St. Xavier HS in 1987, spent the better part of the 90’s in a profound state of dissolution, lost his old man to a car accident (more on that at a later time), went to photography school at Antonelli College. Met The Girl. Got married. Had kids. Started a Blog. You get the Picture.
Born in Kettering, Ohio, but quickly whisked away to Birmingham, Alabama. There Naomi Nelson spent her formative years living the suburban American dream, learning about Jesus from her devout Lutheran parents and a born again fundamentalist elementary school. Then she went to an awesome high school, then 2 years at Smith, so that when she returned to Alabama to get her degree in industrial design at Auburn, she had learned enough to know she was really mostly in like with Jesus. She moved to Cincinnati at the turn of the century, (ain’t it weird to refer to “the turn of the century” as just a few years ago?) and got a great job for a huge faceless multinational corporation. Here’s a hint, they make soap. How she met this Boy let alone how she let him into her pants is a story for another time.
Born February 25th 2005, Abby Doench is a 4 year old lil princess who loves climbing trees, playing princess, and digging up worms. It took Abby thirty hours to be born, during which time her father fainted from exhaustion and her mother experimented with several new religions, some of which she made up on the spot. She just started her second year of half day pre-school at Winton Montessori, which she enjoys a great deal. Her favorite song is “Everybody get Dangerous” by Weezer.
No I am not making that up.
Carolina Rose Doench, born in may of 2007. Carolina is named after three people; Her paternal Great Grandmother Rose Doench, her maternal Grandmother the late Carol Nelson, and an old friend of the Boy and Girl from Kaldi’s Coffeeshop named Carolina. Carolina, is… how shall we say… rambunctious? She is quite capable of charming the socks off of a centipede. Or simply stomping on said centipede. Her favorite things are her books, which she sleeps with. She cannot yet read. And there is no night light in her bedroom. I’m not quite sure I want to know what she does with them all night. She is two all over the place right now, so she is prone to random tantrums and bouts of destruction. She’s also cute as a fucking button.
The Grommit was a surprise. An “oopsie” so to speak *. The Boy and the Girl completely planned the first two kids. Einz,Swei Drei… Make a baby. And we were happy with two. the Boy was planning what to do with all the free daytime I would have in couple of years when the girls were both in all day school. Maybe get my bachelors part time perhaps? Sometimes life hands you lemons, thus lemonade is born. I’m pretty sure I’ll get locked up if I make Baby-Ade**, so I guess we’ll keep him. Linus Anthony Nelson Doench, who certainly sounds like he’s gonna grow up to be a rear admiral in the British Navy, burst onto the scene in March of this year. He’s adorable and funny and messy and aggravating just he’s supposed to be. I’m darn glad to have him, although the pressure to grow up to be the starting shortstop for the Reds will be crushing on the poor kids soul.
That’s the crew. They may be joined by Nana, the Moron Twins, the Boy Next Door, or other hilarious guest stars. Stay tuned.
*Linus is the root cause of the ever hilarious “Boy’s Vasectomy” episode, which will be detailed as soon as the scars heal. The emotional ones.
** He just grabbed my cup and poured warn tea all over my pants leg, so I may reconsider.